Conformity

I’ve had a number of conversations recently about conformity. One particular conversation I had with an old friend stood out, not necessarily because of its content, but because of my friend’s unbending commitment to ‘nonconformity.’

It seems like an odd pairing of terms: commitment to nonconformity. Try saying it with a mouthful of croissant; there’d be flaky bits everywhere. I always thought nonconformity belonged to a more spontaneous and relaxed ilk; I didn’t realise you had to commit to it. To do so sounds like a dreadfully tiring feat. I mean, do you set reminders on your phone? Do you mount a plaque on your kitchen wall, ‘thou shalt not conform today’? I rather got the impression that not conforming had become a key part of her identity, and that sticking to it had become a bit of a conformist trend in itself.

Yet there’s an essence in her argument that’s stuck with me. To be ever alert to our automatic tendencies, and decide whether or not we always need to live by the same patterns, or follow a path unquestioningly, is helpful. My friend is hyper-vigilant when it comes to conformity, almost to the point – I sense – that she has to be seen to not conform, in order that her sense of self is affirmed. But that preparedness of mind appeals to me. It made me think about all the things I do that I seldom question (if ever). I’ve listed a few of them – as well as some thoughts on how and why I might try to be less ‘conformist’ a propos said themes – below:

• I don’t wear foundation, but when I get spots, I use concealer to hide them. Why do I do this? Why have I absorbed the message that I have to cover a natural occurrence? Am I going to react in the same way when I get wrinkles? Am I going to go even more extreme and bemoan them, pummel cream into them, get Botox? What am I afraid of when it comes to having a blemish on my face? Have I held on to those teenage fears of being ridiculed, or considered less attractive, by others? In which case, do I not have the adult resources to deal with that, by now? It made me think of how receptive we are to social conditioning, in spite of our faculty for critical thinking, and, more often than not, in spite of ourselves.
• Most of us, as we grow older, aim for more and more. Whether we’re talking money or social position, the common trajectory of someone in their late 20s/early 30s is to accumulate. The reasons for this are manifold; people are ambitious, they want to do more with their experience, start a family, avow their self-worth. I’m not judging any of these motivating forces negatively, and nor am I downplaying the role they play in our lives. Yet very few people question this path, and even fewer choose to defy it. I’ve found that remaining at the coalface of your trade for years, without the desire to take on a higher role, is something that people question, balk at, even. Likewise, changing tack and doing something totally different when you've already got stuck into one thing is rare (although less so for my generation). I've even noticed that friends who were once die-heard socialists express their progressive views far less fervently these days. And rarer still are those who, at the pinnacle of accumulation and laudable career benchmarks, decide to do an about turn and live much more simply, purely through choice. That will mean different things to different people; to me it means shedding the fancy dinners, swapping exotic holidays for staycations, tending vegetable plots, questioning the clothes we buy, fasting regularly, instead of this upward trajectory that is 'moreism' the lack of connection to which we feel shames us somehow. Bucking the trend is certainly on my radar, and simple living is not off the table for me, as a more all-embracing lifestyle choice than it is now.
• As a stalwart 7:00 girl for years, I've now started setting my alarm at a different time every morning. This isn't exactly flipping the bird to conformity, I know. But it does wake me up to my own existence. I feel that if you start the today at a random time, it induces a brief period of confusion as to why it's 7:02, as opposed to the more rounded 7:00, which in turn allows you to be more present in your morning, and more aware. Before I started doing this I was on auto-pilot for most of the day, but I've found that if I can shift things to manual, and wake up to my own being, I'm suddenly injected into my own existence. Not drinking at social occasions where it usually comes with the territory is another thing I've found that helps with this; if you abstain for no other reason than the for the sake of doing so, you might get a volley of questions, but it helps you to be genuinely mindful and present. 

What do you think about conformity? A trend, a yardstick for a certain identity, or a valuable human asset? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this – do get in touch via the means below, and let me know what you think.